Dev Log 2: Programming is Art?

Or how I realised I was slowly burning out.

I’m currently coding blind a bit. I tend to redesign on the fly while running the logic of what I’m writing in my head as I code to reduce testing time.

This does reduce testing time, but it’s so brain tasking that I end up needing to take multiple breaks to calm myself between methods (I’m using Processing IDE for my coding in the Java environment for prototyping).

Fear, Failure and Feeling Fake.

I’m quite hesitant at the moment. Everything I do is based on calculating options as far as I can go… then doing nothing because risks could be too great.

My work becomes slow and laborious which makes me worry and fearful that I won’t, or can’t, finish this project.

I’m giving myself incentives, like streaming my coding to make myself want to keep coding, or taking breaks with a bit of casual gaming (trying to finish an old Pokemon Emerald save of mine). I’m afraid the distractions will cause me to procrastinate as I’m prone to it. If I procrastinate, I’m fearful that I won’t, or can’t, finish this project.

Then when folk ask how the project is coming along (you know who you are… if you’re reading this). I worry that if I talk too much about it I’ll remember how daunting the task feels. I will look at the whole grand nothing that should be easy and see a jagged mountain pass I need to traverse… It makes me fearful that I won’t, or can’t, finish this project.

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I honestly feel like I’m not skilled enough, talented enough, or smart enough to do this. I feel anyone telling me I’m capable only hears the bluster coming from my mouth and not the cowardice and fear within. I feel a liar brooding within me telling the world of my capabilities when all I am is someone who likes to try. I enjoy the journey and the effort. I feel I have no completionist streak in me.

Feeling of Accomplishment

I am taking to glorying in little victories. It doesn’t help much but it’s working in it’s own way.

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Do some exercise to get the brain working?

Sweet, now sit back and watch some anime!

Spend two hours coding and get somewhere with the game’s model?

Great, how about you spend the evening playing Go, even though you suck at it!

Plan a level for a game you will make after this one?

Good job! Go get a burrito, some cake and a can of Barr Limeade and waste all that good exercise you’ve been doing!

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… No wonder I feel like I’m not finishing anything. I seem to be living in a state of constant Sisyphean progression. That boulder won’t stay on top of the hill because I push it back down off of my own action and inaction.

The usual thoughts spring to mind: Have a timetable that you won’t use, set an alarm you will sleep through, find discipline, ya-da ya-da. I find myself acting and thinking like a bad artist.

I’m letting my candle burn out without using the light efficiently. All my little victories are for a war I’m losing.

The Title of This Blog Post

A program is not art. It is a set of instructions you give to a computing device to carry out a task of your choosing. It is problem solving, calculation, logic, science.

It feels like art to me. I can be expressive, I can look at a piece of code as though it were a Picasso (By that I mean I can passionately hate it regardless of the justification that it may be objectively good… Yes, I don’t like Picasso. I prefer older Impressionism and some more modern pieces). In programming, the term “Elegance” is used as though it were scientific, It’ not, it’s purely about balancing code simplicity, efficiency and aesthetics!

I code in the same way I would write an essay, blog post, or do any form of media production. It has to be pleasant code. Probably one of my biggest bug bears is seeing code that does so little with too many lines. If a single line will suffice and be optimal, I’ll do it. This means I worry too much about my code being “nice” as well as it being fit for purpose, robust, secure, stable and sustainable. I’m somewhat tired of it in a way. The quest for elegance is a tiring one and I feel like procrastinating even more.

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I’m procrastinating by writing this post so I’m going to stop and get back to coding for two hours and see if I have a shot at beating the Elite Four again.